dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
