Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Quick, to the slutcave!
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
did i just pee glitter
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