I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
