Your tits are I can't wait for
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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