the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
