im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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