All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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