I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
