pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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