it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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