and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
