His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
