Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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