I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Randomize
