Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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