the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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