Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
