I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
