You can't special order awesome
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
