i just sent this text using only my big toe
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
