my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
