I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
