You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
