my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
