She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
