when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
