I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
