The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize