Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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