I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
