I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
