Just cropdusted the office
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
