dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
zippers are such a cool invention
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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