my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
