billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
