I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize