WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
