You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize