The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
