Barsexuality is the new black.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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