hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
