I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
