i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
