I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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