Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
