i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize