sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
