Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
