I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
no you cant smoke seaweed
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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