Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
