I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
