You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
