Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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