I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
