When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize