Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
